ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
