What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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