i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
