the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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