guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
