I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
