Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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