I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
