So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
