he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
