She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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