I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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