she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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