god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
