i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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