Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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