Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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