I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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