i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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