I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
