you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
