it's not cheating when I paid for it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
