Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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