dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
