Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
