i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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