I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
