Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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