I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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