i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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