my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
