Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
