you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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