Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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