Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
