There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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