No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
