True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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