just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
