New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
