mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
