hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
