I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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