you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
