Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
