tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
