it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
