so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
