At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
