my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Success! We fucked roommates!
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