You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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