It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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