We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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